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Pat Robertson fancies himself a prophet. The only problem is that, unlike your average hindsight prophet who gets to write things down after the fact so that they’re 100% accurate, Pat has to make his up beforehand.
And he fails so spectacularly at it that you almost feel sorry for him. But then you start to wonder… don’t the people who watch his show eventually pick up on this? Doesn’t he start to question whether or not that voice in his head might not be God?
Robertson has made countless prognostications based on, not intuition or some sort of fortune telling, but what he claims is God’s word coming to him directly. But somehow, God keeps giving him bad intel.
2005: God told Pat that “… the Lord had some very encouraging news for George Bush. What I heard was that Bush is now positioned to have victory after victory and that his second term is going to be one of triumph, which is pretty strong stuff…” and that Bush would “… have Social Security reform passed, that he’ll have tax reform passed, that he’ll have conservative judges on the courts and that basically he is positioned for a series of dramatic victories….” About those judges God also told Pat that He “will remove judges from the Supreme Court quickly and their successors will refuse to sanction the attacks on religious faith….”
Well, as you and I know, 2005 was a pretty shitty year for old George W. and most of that didn’t come to pass. While Bush did nominate Alito and Roberts to serve on the Supreme Court, God apparently decided against cleaning house so dramatically, only taking out Reagan-nominated William Rehnquist. Justice O’Connor retired without the need for God to do her in. And the court has yet to make any proclamations about these attacks on faith God referred to when talking to Pat.
2006: Pat warns that storms, maybe even a tsunami on the west coast, would batter America’s coastline that year.
I guess God had a bad connection, or maybe he just thought he’d like some sun and that rain was so 2004. At least Pat stopped denying man’s hand in climate change around this time… But his storm predictions were for shite. America had a pretty good hurricane season compared to the previous year, no hurricanes made landfall… and absolutely no tsunamis were reported on the west coast.
2007: Pat has some frightening predictions! Better send in that money now while you still can! See, Pat says God told him there would be “mass killings” in the United States of America at the hands of terrorists. And he felt it would be pretty horrible because “The Lord didn’t say nuclear. But I do believe it will be something like that.”
As the Internet likes to say these days ‘that’s full of fail’. In fact, ‘Epic Fail’! Nothing even remotely resembling this happened. Not even a teensy bit. But, as always, Pat just glosses over it (we must have prayed enough, or sent in enough money) and moves on to his next set. And without further ado…
2008: Pat says that the year will bring intense violence and that people will flock to evangelists seeking to connect with God. Wonder if God got a new phone this year? At any rate, we’ll know it’s all going down because “We will see the presence of angels and we will see an intensification of miracles around the world.” Pat also predicts oil will hit $150 a barrel. Oh, and that the U.S. will enter a recession. Well, as many financial analysts are saying the latter already, that’s not much of a stretch. But, being a multi-millionaire I suppose Robertson does pay a fair bit of attention to the market.
Oh, and while he was pulling this year’s predictions from his bottom, he took a second to address the missing ‘mass killings’ from last year. Pat was unfazed, as you probably have guessed already, and stated, “So did I miss it? Possibly. Or, on the other hand, did God avert it? Possibly. But whatever, it didn’t happen, so I think we can all rejoice.”
There you have it. From the horse’s ass. Basically, it’s like that Simpsons episode with Xena. A wizard did it. Except this wizard is called God and he has a shitty cell phone connection to Pat Robertson’s brain. Which leads me to….
My prediction for 2008! It’s just as good as any Robertson prediction and it’s just as unlikely to occur as any he makes.
For 2008 I predict that Pat Robertson will follow the will of his savior and will give away all his money and goods. That he will follow the words of Jesus Christ who told a rich man seeking to enter Heaven, “Give everything away and follow me”, and then made that rather interesting statement about it being easier to pass a rope* through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter into God’s kingdom.
That’s all for now. But before I clear out, I want to send a quick kudo to Anonymous for their successful protests around the globe on that scourge on humanity, Scientology. Good going, nerds. You rule.
Ella Rache
* – “camel” was a mistranslation. Sorry, all you ‘King James Is The Perfect Translation’ psychos.
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